Dear Single Women,
I am not sure how to begin this letter—what I have to say is…a bit strange. Here it goes. I want to date you. Wait. Not all of you. Not that there’s something weird about you, but I mean…this is sounding all wrong. Let me start again.
As you know, being a missionary is demanding. It required me to spend my time thinking about one thing—missionary work. As a missionary, I didn’t think about, what I was going to wear, what my hair looked like, or how pasty my legs were. I didn’t think about clever pick up lines. I didn’t think about what type of fun activities I could do on a date. I didn’t think about generic topics that make for polite informal conversations.
I did spend time thinking about how I should never be alone with someone of the opposite gender, how to keep from sounding flirtatious and above all, how to stop thinking about all of you—in you know, that kind of way.
I only mention all of this, so you can understand my problem—I want to date you but you think I am awkward. I guess you’re probably right. Those two years did make me a bit unusual. But can you blame me?
And don’t even get me started about the pressure I am feeling to start dating again. My family, friends and leaders are all wink, wink, nudge, nudging me along to ask you out.
So between the pressure to start dating and my two year hiatus from social interactions with women—wow, I just realized you were girls, when I left, now you’re women—I might come across as a bit dopey and even creepy. Be kind please.
When I call to ask you out, and there are long silent pauses on the line, don’t laugh. When I ask you to go with me to my work party as a first date, be a good sport. When I show up to our date wearing khakis and running shoes, don’t roll your eyes. When I ask you really lame questions, and talk about Ecuadorian pastries for forty-five minutes, be patient.
You know, I won’t be a weirdo forever. You have to see that. So on behalf of returned missionaries everywhere, I ask you to say, “yes” to the date, “yes” to the weirdness of the returned missionary and “yes” to an occasional hug and or kiss—my friends put me up to that last part.
Your brother in the gospel. Elder Jones. Jason Jones